If that was your dad, he is hot
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
