if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
