The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
