dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
