Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
