do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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