Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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