God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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