P.S. I can't hear my feet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
