I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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