How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
