I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize