does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
