I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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