I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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