If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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