bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
