i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
