I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
