saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
