she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
