I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
