he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize