Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
thus making me awesome and them whores
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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