I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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