i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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