i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
