Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
