dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
