I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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