I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
