When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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