My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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