They should really pass out barf bags in church
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
