When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
