my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
