Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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