next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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