Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
