I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
