He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize