I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
