I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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