@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
