Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
