I must be too annoying 4 u.
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
