Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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