Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
