If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
