Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Im part way to drunk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize