: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
