guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
