I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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