remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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