why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
