Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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