And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
