you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
