No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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